Catch and Release

This is the dating crisis. I hear women saying there are “no men”. “Where are all the men?” they say. Ahh! But there are plenty of men. Plenty of fish in the sea, as they say. But now, with Hinge and Tinder and Amber and Diamond in the Rough ( I made up those last two), the depth is quickly dwindling. The breadth is so vast- we can see a new person every couple of minutes, or even seconds- but does this call for our generational ADHD to kick in full force? Oh! Something shiny! Oh! But this one’s got big boobs! Does our continuous, constant search to find someone make us superficial, even if the intentions are all pure? You match with someone. Yay! They message you… but do you message back? What if they’re not as cute as you thought they were, or you are already talking to someone else? Do you have an obligation to talk to this person, since you already gave him or her the green light?

It’s like when you make eye contact with someone at a bar. You were just checking them out to see if you liked what you saw, but then they looked back, and now you aren’t sure if you liked what you saw but you gave them the universal sign of “i’m into you” and SHIT they’re walking over and now you have to talk to them where are your girlfriends help help help. Is it the same with social media dating? What is the etiquette? There is one thing I hate more than being rejected, and that is rejecting someone. It sucks. It sucks it sucks it sucks. And it happens more and more with the ever expanding  “Your Matches” lists we have and I don’t know if I can do it anymore.

But then you get that notification that someone likes you and it makes it just too sweet and sugary so you hold off on pressing that little “X” in the corner of the App Icon because come on who doesn’t like a little attention now and then… UGH. I’m exhausted. I love meeting people, I hate the process. I hate having to close the door when you think someone is awesome but then you think someone else is equally awesome (or maybe neither is mind-blowingly awesome?How can you tell?) and which door do you close?

Run on sentences. Don’t tell anyone I’m a teacher.

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Dating My Phone: The Tinder Monster in All its Glory

A few weeks after breaking up with my ex boyfriend, I really believed I could continue on a path of female independence/I don’t need male attention to be satisfied/THIS IS THE TIME TO FOCUS ON ME!!!!  kind of path. Well. A few short days, and a few drinks later, the tinder monster found me. It was like a drug. A sin. Should I do it? Is it too soon? Do I really need the attention that badly?? These questions swirled around my head like a toilet flushing, whirring loudly enough to drown out the voice in the back of my brain screaming “NO! Don’t! Save yourself……”

So. Here I am. Safe and sound, I have stepped in and out of the vacuous Tinder World with a few gut-busting laughs, a few “maybe dates,” and a Public Service Announcement to the many men I saw on this dating app that have abso-freaking-lutely no clue what they are doing. To these men/boys/animals (?), I would like to point out a few things:

1. You, there, with the photos of you and your wild animal friends, namely kangaroos- What it going on? Is there a kangaroo farm in San Francisco that I don’t know about? Ok, this one is beside the point. It’s actually kind of cool.

2. If you have a picture with your braces, your prom date, and/or your high school graduation. GO AWAY. Shouldn’t you be in Alegra II Trig? On that note, if you have a picture with your teenage daughter, you are giving me a queesy, throw-up-in-my-mouth feeling that I could, someday, maybe (not really) see my dad on this thing. Please, E-harmony. Go. Fly Fly.

3. I understand that our generation suffers from #selfieoverload, but to those of you who want to show off your hot bods or #ootd, save it for you instafollowers. Which brings me to my next point…

4. NO. I will not follow you on Insta gram or Snapchat. PC for PC? What is this, MySpace? Are you twelve? If so, please refer to #2.

5. To those of you showing pictures of only your six pack/biceps/back muscles (really?) – WOW, COOL! Let’s have sex. Just put a ski mask on and we’re good, cause obviously I have no inclination to see your face…

6. To those of you who post pictures with hot chicks in an effort to prove to us tinder ladies that you can, in fact, score hot chicks- thanks, but no thanks. We can be the judge of that.

7. No, that is not your sister.

8. Only group pictures? Awesome. Only group pictures of you chugging/drinking out of large containers/ doing shots? Even better. I love playing guessing games when it comes to figuring out who I’m potentially conversing/dating/ having sexual relations with. You definitely don’t do that because you might not be as good looking as some of your friends, right? Right. Of course not.

9. Posting your height is actually very considerate, if you’re truthful. When I meet you in person Mr. “I’m 6 foot 2! ” (meaning you are really 5 foot 9),  the jig is up.

10. Inanimate objects/animals/nature pics instead of having any pictures with actual humans in them (bonus points if you are in the pics!). I like dogs just as much as the next person, but I must admit, getting hit with that close-up image of a snarling canine jaw out of the blue almost sent me off my rocker (I’m talking to you, “Dustin”!) Not cool.

In my experience with Tinder, I can’t say I am entirely unsatisfied. I have met some guys who seem genuinely nice, possibly well-intentioned, and I have had some really cool conversations. And through the TInder grapevine, I’ve heard it to be true that many of the women on tinder are just as painfully amusing. So please, boys. Hit me with your best shot.