I thought I had been drowning, but I never really was. I loved, ached. I longed for you in the marrow of my bones and that made them feel heavy, made me feel like I might begin to sink. But resilience is a quiet soldier. I have been steadily treading all my life and I never stopped, even when you held me up. I swirl pools of water around my legs and bob along the surface. And where I used to see depth and darkness I zoom in on the sun, which dries my eyes in salt. I will look up. I will lift my chin and take in gulps of air like a happy baby, drinking it down until my eyes are floating in what I know is me. And then I will let the sun, my friend, tug at my cheeks and make me smile.