A few weeks after breaking up with my ex boyfriend, I really believed I could continue on a path of female independence/I don’t need male attention to be satisfied/THIS IS THE TIME TO FOCUS ON ME!!!! kind of path. Well. A few short days, and a few drinks later, the tinder monster found me. It was like a drug. A sin. Should I do it? Is it too soon? Do I really need the attention that badly?? These questions swirled around my head like a toilet flushing, whirring loudly enough to drown out the voice in the back of my brain screaming “NO! Don’t! Save yourself……”
So. Here I am. Safe and sound, I have stepped in and out of the vacuous Tinder World with a few gut-busting laughs, a few “maybe dates,” and a Public Service Announcement to the many men I saw on this dating app that have abso-freaking-lutely no clue what they are doing. To these men/boys/animals (?), I would like to point out a few things:
1. You, there, with the photos of you and your wild animal friends, namely kangaroos- What it going on? Is there a kangaroo farm in San Francisco that I don’t know about? Ok, this one is beside the point. It’s actually kind of cool.
2. If you have a picture with your braces, your prom date, and/or your high school graduation. GO AWAY. Shouldn’t you be in Alegra II Trig? On that note, if you have a picture with your teenage daughter, you are giving me a queesy, throw-up-in-my-mouth feeling that I could, someday, maybe (not really) see my dad on this thing. Please, E-harmony. Go. Fly Fly.
3. I understand that our generation suffers from #selfieoverload, but to those of you who want to show off your hot bods or #ootd, save it for you instafollowers. Which brings me to my next point…
4. NO. I will not follow you on Insta gram or Snapchat. PC for PC? What is this, MySpace? Are you twelve? If so, please refer to #2.
5. To those of you showing pictures of only your six pack/biceps/back muscles (really?) – WOW, COOL! Let’s have sex. Just put a ski mask on and we’re good, cause obviously I have no inclination to see your face…
6. To those of you who post pictures with hot chicks in an effort to prove to us tinder ladies that you can, in fact, score hot chicks- thanks, but no thanks. We can be the judge of that.
7. No, that is not your sister.
8. Only group pictures? Awesome. Only group pictures of you chugging/drinking out of large containers/ doing shots? Even better. I love playing guessing games when it comes to figuring out who I’m potentially conversing/dating/ having sexual relations with. You definitely don’t do that because you might not be as good looking as some of your friends, right? Right. Of course not.
9. Posting your height is actually very considerate, if you’re truthful. When I meet you in person Mr. “I’m 6 foot 2! ” (meaning you are really 5 foot 9), the jig is up.
10. Inanimate objects/animals/nature pics instead of having any pictures with actual humans in them (bonus points if you are in the pics!). I like dogs just as much as the next person, but I must admit, getting hit with that close-up image of a snarling canine jaw out of the blue almost sent me off my rocker (I’m talking to you, “Dustin”!) Not cool.
In my experience with Tinder, I can’t say I am entirely unsatisfied. I have met some guys who seem genuinely nice, possibly well-intentioned, and I have had some really cool conversations. And through the TInder grapevine, I’ve heard it to be true that many of the women on tinder are just as painfully amusing. So please, boys. Hit me with your best shot.